Learning To Fail

Some uncertain stairs

We've all heard about the importance of failure. Heard that we must learn from our failures, heard that greatness comes from them. I even had an incredible professor who started off our lessons with "fail stories", helping us to celebrate failures, welcome them, and improve.

But that's part of the problem- or at least for me, it has been. The implication that there's a need for improvement. Which is crazy, if you think of it- there's always room for improvement, we should always be striving for improvement. But when you fail, big, loud, and proud, it brings your vulnerability, your weakness, potentially your mistakes right out into the open, and welcomes criticism. And after growing up in a family where criticism comes even when it isn't welcome, I think I'd grown quite shy of that.

I took a lot of safe paths, took a relatively safe school, major, career, and projects, areas where I was sure I was going to be challenged, yes, but never doubted that I'd be able to succeed. I stopped myself shy of making a joke, guessing an answer, picking a song, even making a decision for a dinner place (yes, that means all of you who also spend 2 hours on Yelp only to ask someone else to pick), because I didn't want to do or say something that wasn't right- something that may create criticism. I've learned to critique myself, probably a lot more than others already do- and that's a hard habit to break.

But now... I've started clambering sideways on ladders, rather than simply upwards. I took a project working for a not-for-profit organization, which I've absolutely loved. It has given me the opportunity to travel, to work for a cause, to apply technology with purpose, to design & implement methodology & systems that I feel will really help people. It excites me each day to get to work, to think through global problems, and what small role we can play in alleviating them. But it also means a significant pay cut while I work for the nonprofits, different benefits, and potentially a less competitive career trajectory. Thinking about annual reviews each year, I normally feel confident about my performance, about my next steps- but now, I wonder about staffing, about what my next steps will be, about my "value" within the company. I'm vulnerable, open and aware about that potential failure.

When I tried to capture the full moon without learning my camera settings #fail

In daily life, well I'm consistently failing. I've been working in Spanish for the past few months, which I started out doing rather slowly. I had gotten to a point where I thought that each phrase that I uttered contained a mistake, this is damaging my professional reputation, and that the situation was relatively hopeless. I tried to speak in short, concise sentences, slowly so that I could think through and correct my grammar before starting, trying to ensure I didn't step into any unknown waters. I thought that this project was short enough that I would get by with this approach, then not have to worry about it again, and I would never work in a foreign language again.

This view from my apartment= another kind of success!

Then I started failing. I would just respond when someone spoke to me, sure that I was making up words & conjugations as I went, sure that my accent was unintelligible, sure that they'd laugh or walk away frustrated. But it was only through these daily, hourly failures that I was able to learn more, to improve my vocabulary, to be corrected.

Each time I open my mouth, I know that I'm exposing my ignorance, exposing my foreign nature, and creating opportunities for criticism. But I'm so often surprised by people's happiness with my attempts, or willingness to coach me along, and have had the joys of continuous improvement. My vocabulary is limited to our warehouse terminology, IT systems, restaurants & tourism jaunts, but I'll keep using that to learn more!

So I continue, creating more and more vulnerabilities. Potentially risking a solid, dynamic career, potentially risking any appearance of intelligence when I speak, and learning to try new things, especially the ones at which I may not be any good. May failing bring us to greater success!

Exploring some islands with Jenn!

Speaking broken Spanish led to a Colombian hotel manager showing me around the city at dawn, for some sunrise photos!

Picking Coffee in Boquete